Everyone has issues. If you don’t think you have issues, that is an issue! Some of us are in tune with our abnormalities and some are completely unaware or in denial. I have no qualms about sharing my daily struggles in order to give a better understanding of what we (those suffering from emotion sickness) go through. It’s difficult for people to see the world through our eyes but I will do my best to convey the view.
Every year, since I was a teen, I have experienced uncontrollable cycles of emotion. I suffer with depression and anxiety stemming from my childhood and trials I have been through. Without medication; my depression, moodiness, short temper, and irritability fluctuates – your average bitch. I like to think that my meds keep me at one level; however, it’s no miracle. I still get annoyed by the smallest things but my reaction to them is more tolerable.
Here are a few of the down sides that I experience with medication: drowsiness, anxiety, strange dreams, changes in appetite and weight, constipation, decreased sex drive, and difficulty having an orgasm. So, if you are in a relationship, you have two choices: 1) take the pill and be a pleasant partner 2) don’t take the pill, have sex, and be a thunder cunt. Awesome, isn’t it? Decisions, decisions…Oh, if you pick option one, you have the added task of convincing your partner that it isn’t them, it’s you when it comes to getting in the buff. Neat.
The withdrawals when taking some anti-depressants are unbearable if you miss a day or two. I get migraines, hot flashes, the shakes, nausea, night sweats, nightmares, and whatever issues I had before taking the medicine are amplified. Sometimes I want to punch a brick wall and other times I want nothing more than to just sleep the pain away. You need to consult your doctor when weaning. I was ignorant enough once to think, “I’m happy now, I don’t need it” and went cold turkey. Dumb.
Anxiety is a struggle for me, although not daily. Stress is the most common factor but sometimes it can come out of nowhere and hit me like a Mike Tyson punch to the face. I get horrible pains in my chest and struggle to breathe normally. My arms feel tingly, achy, and antsy. If I have on any clothing that is mildly snug, I feel suffocated. I don’t want to talk, be touched, or be around anyone for that matter. My relationships suffer a great deal due to my disorders.
Music calms me when nothing else comes close. It makes sense when nothing else does. Often times, the type of music that I listen to has lyrics that relate to me in so many ways that it helps the loneliness. I can’t express how much music has an impact on my life other than the fact that I can’t imagine life without it. It’s better than any medication that I’ve taken. It’s better than any relationship I’ve been in. Music breathes life into my lungs. A day without music is a bad day.